The Truce

I 

couldn’t wait to get back to the negotiation table, with him – my 10 year old, 7 days after the gadget detox began, but that’s not what I led him to believe. From his point of view, I couldn’t care less about giving his “stuff” back to him. It wasn’t even a negotiation table from my point of view – it was a set of guidelines that I’d prefer him to follow. But having freedom, or the perception of it, is the most valuable thing known to human. He needed to feel that he was in charge.

So he was itching for it – to have the taste of freedom again. Every time he did something right, which were many, he’d like to know when he’d get his iPod back that he got as birthday gift less than two weeks ago. I was not, from the look of it, in a rush.

Whenever we talked casually about what he thought was the ideal amount of screen-time, on a weeknight for example, he would have a number higher than where I would like it to be. If I said the minimum was an hour, his response would be two. He’d also test the water by saying, “but you said 3 hours the day before yesterday.” His primary goal, what I realized, was to exceed the limit, not the absolute amount of time he received. Extending the boundary was, in and of itself, part of the goal here.

When finally we sat down to talk formally, my take was simple – I want him to be in charge of himself. He does what he is supposed to do – manage him schedule, his activities and school work and then he does what he enjoys, with screen time limited to an hour a night. Then he gets back iPod AND PS4!

We shall see how long this sticks. For now, there’s truce. The most enjoyable time during this process was the incessant conversations we had, whether the intention was to oil me up or to share with me what he really wanted to be for the fifth time. Selfishly, it just took a drastic measure to get that time from him. 

Negotiation 101

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ay 4 (of detox from gadgets): Reality is way too real. He wakes up early to ask me if we can make a deal. With both of our personalities, me wanting him to agree to 10 things and him wanting to do none, deal quickly falls apart. 

I have been through this path before, many times. I keep my end of the bargain then I’m left high and dry. Well not anymore – I’d like my payments in advance – thank you. 

When I got home that night I found the to-do list on his dry-erase board completely erased. My insecurities kick in – what do I do if he says the next day that he doesn’t care about gadgets anymore, became vegan, and started meditation? What will I have left to get him to negotiate? I secretly hope for another chance to get back to the negotiation table.

And it happens – Minecraft cravings could be unforgiving, as it turns out. 

He asks if he can play with my phone for a little and bam! Without further a due – I whip out my usual asks in my handy baritone voice – “please change into pajamas and brush your teeth.” I try to push it a little further just like I have been pushed all these years by these little humans “but it’s also past your bed time – if you change and brush earlier tomorrow, you can use the phone.” But this part doesn’t land well so I let him play for 7 minutes. Seven minutes in 24 hours compared to a good 4 hours the week before – little extreme but not bad!

What I inevitably do maintain is our friendship. I’m doing my usual tucking into bed, back and head scratching duties to try to shift the blame to our common enemy – the glaring screens and addicting TV shows. I need to be there for him in his toughest times – which is NOW – the Screen-free days. Many times I am tempted to let him play to minimize his apparent pain but then I stop myself. Habits need to be broken and rebuilt, relationships need to be reassessed, the hand that we are dealt needs to be re-negotiated – one at a time.

A Screenfree World

D

etoxing the kids from gadgets? 

Yeah OK.

It’s almost like thinking of one of your most outrageous dreams and saying it out loud. You’d look around to see if anyone heard you. 

Until you are pushed over the edge and decide to go for it.

I posted this status that night on my Facebook page, “With cable box, PS4, iPods/pads unplugged and thrown out, the kids are actually having a conversation.”

Since that post, I have gotten many follow up questions from other parents and even singles as to what triggered it, how I did it, what it entailed, if this can be applied on their significant others etc. Well.. that’s a whole another can of worms I guess. 

Here’s a brief description of what went down and some disclaimers,as parenting could easily be one of the most sensitive topics these days. 

It was my 10 yr old son’s birthday weekend. Birthdays are usually big in our family – meaning, one cake – for the night of, second party – at his school (snacks/drinks are packed and sent), third party – at a local bouncy house with friends, and a fourth -with grandparents, and uncles, aunts. Clearly, a privileged child. After everything died down the following day, there’s a new situation – soccer time conflicts with math tutoring. I call it a situation because seemingly harmless conflicts have aggravated really quickly in the past as “compromises” aren’t his strongest feat. Proposed solution – we attend soccer and catch up on next session of tutoring. Simple. 

Except, not really. He wants to go to soccer, and doesn’t want to go to tutoring. Why? Because that’s what a lot of kids do well  –  extend their boundaries ever so slightly on every occasion so that one day they can roam free with no education and only PlayStations with shoot-em-up games. I said, “No.. there’s a conflict, I’m respecting that you want to attend your game, go play your game, once you are done, take a shower, and we’ll go for tutoring.” We left it at that.

Of course, once he was done with his game (3-0 win!), he gets into the car and declares that he never agreed to go to tutoring because he doesn’t like it and if I wanted I could ground him. Somehow, that last bit, seemed a little over the edge and almost felt like a challenge to me. So I went all or  nothing. I said that I will break his PS4 into pieces (I got this idea from a video he once showed me on YouTube where the frustrated father mowed down all of his 20 something year old son’s video games.) Of course, I don’t do that and he probably knew I wouldn’t. 

I gave both of us some time to cool off and asked if he was ready to take a shower. Unfortunately, he held his stance on not cooperating. 

So I unplugged every single piece of gadget including cable boxes, put them in a suitcase and threw them in the storage. 

There were  resistance, tears, rage, and sheer disbelief. 

This was officially Day 1 of the Screen-free World.